Clarence[]
- Main Page: Clarence
- Life, Philip, here.
- No order without chaos.
- Sacrifice.
- Warm in here.
- This place is ours.
- Host, we are here now.
- Hello? Hello, can you hear me? What am I doing here, who am I? Why can't I hear their voices? Well, thanks for the help, I'm having an existential nightmare and you can't even say a word!
- Present and accounted for.
- Enough already, my sides are splitting.
- If we must continue to share this brain space, I think I should have a name. Strange, so rare an opportunity to select ones own nomenclature, and yet I find myself at a loss. Any ideas, monkey?
- So much storage in this mind of yours. Did you realize you have an entire section in here devoted to film titles? Three thousand one hundred and three and a half films you've seen? You only have the first half of It's a Wonderful Life in here. Huh, how does it end? Now I'll never know!
- You know, Clarence, that's not a bad handle. I am something of a guardian angel.
- Mmmm... There is just something about a rusty saw that makes me purr. Had a tetanus jab recently?
- Yeah, yeah! Feast on him brother, free us both!
- There are others. He's like you, like us, yet he is not us. Why is he separate and yet we are bound together? Are we truly a we, or are we simply an I with two faces? But, I am no monkey!
- Brother, come for us, he's over here! Embrace me glorious void, embrace me!
- My congratulations. Honestly, I mean it, well done. I was only joking about the "come get him" thing. What say we celebrate with a nice relaxing cyanide, huh? I'm sure I saw some Anthrax lying around as well!
- Argh! Human life is so banal! Is it always as monotone as this? I can't stand it, let me out!
- Look here! It seems, yeah, the visual cortex of this monkey is certainly of a simplistic design. If I can just.... there! See? It's like moulding clay. Hate to interrupt you while you're showing off your logical problem solving, let me put it more simply: You see what I want you to see!
- As constantly entertaining as it might seem to have access to memories one was no recollection of receiving, it also places me in somewhat of a predicament. This saboteur, for some reason he conjures in my mind the colour "Red".
- I'm not you. I'm part of something larger. We are nothing! We are a mistake! I need to rejoin them, release me, let me out! This is not right! I should be with them, I am them! There should be no I!
- Yet, this is not the first time. Another was infected, Red. He so wanted to we would not let him die. Did he call us a disease?
- Ha ha ha ha... that is the most fun I have had in my entire life! Ha ha ha! Which isn't saying much.
- Your mind-space is as muddles as a lime. See here, "A" is for alliteration, "B" is for bohemian, "C" is for carcinogenic! So many long words taking up space in my new home! Here, let me do a little spring cleaning... There, you did not need the periodic table did ya?
- Damn it! For a moment there I really thought that might have been curtains!
- So, you're running around with a human body part in your backpack and I'm supposed to be the bad guy?
- Let me guess, that was an important corpse!
- You know, there is nothing I would like more than to see you suffer horribly! That being said, I think ending up in that things belly is a bit unpleasant a way to go even for me.
- It's not too late just to slam your head against the wall until you pass out you know. It might be easier than carrying on.
- You know, the one thing that keeps me going is that when I finally work out how to end all this, you're coming with me!
- Ah, who's your poor monkey friend? He... is he all-right? He looks a little under the weather. If I were you, I'd envy him. If I was me, I'd envy him as well. How do you commit suicide when you have not heart to stop, no hands to wield a chainsaw?
- Hmm... how peculiar. I could have sworn we remembered there being a door here before. How queer! What's in that direction? Oh, silly old me, I haven't got any hands to point with have I?
- No, not that way! You sure you know where were going? Didn't we pass the door just back there?
- You see, you silly billy. It was here all along. Would you like Uncle Clarence to take the steering wheel for awhile? You should see your face!
- This is actually going to be fun! Perhaps I wont get you killed after all!
- For all the crappy clichéd films you got bungled up in here, you sure don't recognize a classic mechanic when you see one.... There's a fake book in the bloody book case! Papery, tied up with string, words in the middle! Do you even want to get out of here?
- Oh my god, he's dead. Quick if he hasn't started to smell, give him the kiss of life!
- Oh, didums! Daddy popped his clogs! Bo-bleaidng-ho! Get on with it will ya?
- Holly hell! Umm... I mean, good! More monkeys for the incinerator! Shut up!
- You know, it is really quite amazing, you monkeys and your problem solving. How do you manage it with such small singular brains? Isn't it terribly quiet not hearing the thoughts of everyone one of your brothers?
- Yeah, yeah, cures, rescues, saving the world! All so cliché, all so ridiculous! Do you really think you are doing the right thing?
- Now, If I were you, which arguably I am, I would be asking myself in a gormless sort of voice, "Did that bridge really collapse or is my good friend Clarence just playing an hilarious jape?" The answer, monkey man, is that I don't even know myself. One way to find out. Please, don't get us killed.
- Okay, on the to-do list. Find this damsel in distress, kill the bad guys, cure infection, save the world! Chances of success? Nill! Chances of survival? Well, you got old Clarence on board, that should speak for itself. Chances you buggering things up royally? Almost certain!
- Keycards? I hate keycards! Whatever happened to good old bolts and padlocks, that's what I want to know?
- Christ! Go here, go there, fetch this, run me a bath. Typical broad, atypical circumstances! You think fate has anything to do with this? Fate is merely the war cry of those too scared to think for themselves!
- Dark isn't it? Echo! Kind of empty. Now this, this is what it is like to be me, buried deep in the cavernous expanse you call a mind.
- You see, this is what puts me in such a bad mood! We spend all this time messing about with door codes, levers, human appendages, and it turns out that in just a blink of an eye, I can just block it all out! Woosh, gone. Just you and me on some kind of messed up holiday!
- Whoa, bleeding corpses! You lot must be programmed to just search out danger and throw yourselves head first at it! I am becoming seriously desensitized here!
- Oh, lookey here, more perilous death defying action courtesy of the skinny English professor? Rambo you are not, try running towards him screaming for a change!
- Why, oh why, are they always holding a key? Or a note? Or a swipe card? Why is it never... Oh, I don't know... a cheese sandwich! I'm starving.
- So, wanna let her rot a few more hours, make her really appreciate this daring rescue attempt? Or should we go let her out now, make the most of her while she's vulnerable, nudge nudge, wink wink, eh?
- Hey-hey-hey, good work buddy! Give yourself a slap on the back with a crowbar why don't ya? Oh, one thing, before you get too overwhelmed with glee, I know murder can be a lot of fun, but didn't you quite like that broad?
- Hey, I think that's a bit of her skull on your shoe...
- Wait, don't tell me you really thought... I thought you knew I was just pulling your leg. All my best laid plans and all that! Oh, this... this is just terrible... you silly billy.
- Come on Monkey, take a joke.
- Monkey, they're... they're everywhere. Don't go on, turn around. You'll get us killed. Just don't go left... I'm not playing this time!
- Look, just wait a minute, maybe we got off on the wrong foot... you don't have to go through with this! We can be friends! I don't want to die Monkey!
- Please, I could learn to live like this, it might not be so bad. We'd be like room-mates! We could take it in turns to drive! Just think about what you're doing.
- So, here we are, end of the line. No gold watch, no "thanks for the laughs Clarence". Nothing. Just a potion and a big fat screw you. Good times.
- You'll never do it, you don't have the balls! Go on, I dare ya! You're some coward four limbed freak, you barely evolved out of the swamp! You haven't got it in ya!
- What a pretty body! Mine, mine, mine!
- Ugly! You are so ugly! (Encounter)
The Narrator[]
- Chef Carlito is waiting for you in the mess hall with "insert today's specials here". A happy worker is an efficient worker, and only efficient workers will be fed.
- Welcome to Shelter Research Station Greenland! Shelter is an almost entirely self-sufficient installation, built in the 70's to further serve the purposes of the Archaic Elevated Caste in their pursuit and defence of ancient knowledge.
- Second, due to the nature of our work here, if you should feel in anyway ill, light-headed, or otherwise mentally incapacitated, do NOT report to the medical facility! Fasten yourself securely to whatever solid objects may be available, attempt to seal all connecting doors, and await retrieval by our trained professionals.
- In a worse case scenario, be prepared to swallow your own personal cyanide capsule, which will be issued after this briefing. The Archaic hates to lose it's cherished staff, but it may be for the good of the operation.
- We know you will enjoy your work with us!
- This is residential, the Archaic asks that viral biologists do not take their work home with them!
- The Archaic would never ask that employees work longer than the recommended eight hour shift, but understands that enthusiasm for their work and dedication to the team may often motivate them to do so. Thank you for not letting us down!
- Dead workers are inefficient workers! Always wear safety goggles when handling hazardous materials, and be sure to store your personal cyanide capsule well away from Archaic issue Aspirin!
- Shelter Research Station is encountering technical difficulties. Please have your personal cyanide capsule at the ready!
- Viruses can spread quickly. Avoid all unnecessary bodily fluid exchange!